News From the Cave: The Shadow Doesn’t Know Shit
Yeah, I think that’s next. I’m just waiting to pull the trigger on the tracks. Doctors, appointments, money, life—you know, all the shit that gets between a songwriter and a studio.
And yes, this is my life. I’m in my 70s and I’m not going to bullshit fans and pretend I’m 40.
Although according to everybody who knows me, I’m actually 16 and apparently never going to grow up.
All adults commented today:
“I wish I was 16 again, when I knew nothing.”
Hell, now I know everything, and living in a cave to avoid everybody is starting to look pretty damn good.
All wives had no comment.
As long as the Amazon driver can find the cave, I’ll survive.
“What’s that painting on the cave wall?”
“Last renter said it was about God.”
“Who’s God?”
“No idea. Painting came with the cave.”
In other news, scientists announced today that worms feel pain and should no longer be used for fishing.
Fishermen were furious.
Millions of unemployed worms were immediately released into graveyards, where Kaiser Permanente reported they were thriving.
Deer hunters rejected the whole argument.
“You don’t need a worm to kill a deer. You can kill one with a Buick and a set of headlights.”
Assault-rifle companies had no comment.
Apparently you need 30 rounds to kill something your grandmother can take out with a 1997 Buick LeSabre.
Field & Stream finally issued a statement:
“Stop giving hunters a bad time. If we want to hunt deer with a tank, that’s between us and the deer.”
Nimrod was contacted for historical perspective.
“Well, I liked killing things.”
He paused.
“But you people have Safeway now, so I’m not exactly sure what the hell you’re doing.”
He then added:
“I’ve been dead for about 5,000 years. Why are you asking me?”
And finally, somebody asked for my thoughts on 9/11.
That wasn’t religion, race, or ordinary people sitting around hating each other. It was terrorism wrapped up in politics, history, grievance, and fanaticism. Innocent people paid the price for something they had nothing to do with.
Which unfortunately may be the oldest human tradition of all:
Leaders start the bullshit.
Regular people get the bill.
Three super powers beating in submission over little countries .
Toss some religion in , You have one nasty situation .
That wraps up tonight’s news.
Tomorrow we’ll investigate whether living in a cave is actually cheaper than California.
Early reports say no.
Apparently the cave has an HOA.
The shadow knows . Thats the sun reflecting over your body on a sidewalk . It has no intelligence . Stop saying the shadow knows .
Cattle held a protest today and said humans are serial killers . Cattlemen’s Association had no comment ,
Fog horn and Porky Pig are keeping an eye on the situation ,and rumors say they might join the protests also . Foghorn is always upset on humans asking what came first the chicken or the egg ? I’m a chicken how would I know ?